Damn Lefties, Hippies, Pinkos, and New Yorkers!

That Village Voice guy calling my place a compound is really pissing me off the more I think about it. If I had happened to share his political ideology, and he ran across my blog I’m sure he would have called us something like a organic, free-range, sustainable, fair trade (I give the chickens grain, they give me eggs and we all feel it’s a fair trade) self-sufficient permaculture homestead. But no, since I don’t think Obama is the next Jesus Christ, or listen to The Dead or Phish or whatever so I have a compound. Just to set the record straight for anyone who wants to give my property a label from now on. It’s official name is Goat’s Gulch, we sometimes call it The Gulch, or The Homestead. I don’t have any artillery, armored vehicles, guard towers, or concertina wire. Fuck, it’s not even fenced or gated.

Well anyways I was so irked about the kind of people who would wrongly call someone’s property a compound I came up with a plan to educate them this morning

Montanaiceweasel’s How to Fix a Hippy in Six Easy Steps.

1. Teach some basic psychology. Focus on how capitalism works. Take their wallet and place on the table between yourself and them. Explain that every time they understand one of these lessons you will give them a hundred dollar bill but they must then put it in their wallet.

2. Teach some basic history. Focus on the 150 MILLION of their own people communist countries have murdered. If internet is not available at the teaching location bring pictures. I prefer ones from Pol Pot’s Killing Fields. Like this, this, or this.

3. After they understand communism kills reinforce your psychology lesson with a lesson on income taxes. Give them the $100 bill as promised, but as they reach to put it in their wallet smack them on the back of their hand with a wooden ruler and take the bill for yourself. If you live in a rural area a trip to see livestock bred can supplement this lesson.

4. Teach some basic math. Focus on the fact that if a government spends trillions more than it earns there will someday be repercussions. Those handy pamphlets banks give out to first time account openers usually entitled something like Balancing Your Checking Account are nice for this. You might need to take their bong away before proceeding to this step.

5. After their math lesson give them their hundred dollar bill, whack their hand again, and return the money to your pocket. Explain they hadn’t covered the state level income taxes yet.

6. Teach some basic common sense. Focus on self-defense. Tell them to get their gun, since they won’t have one pull your gun and take all the money in their wallet. Hand them the phone and have them call 911 and explain there is an armed intruder in their house. Tie them up, burn their tie-dyes, help yourself to their food, or generally do whatever you want. Be creative; remember this is supposed to be an educational experience. Take your time, if the cops know they might be facing an armed person they on average take 5 times longer than their usual snail pace. Tell them you think they probably learned this lesson and put the hundred dollar bill in their wallet; put their wallet in your pocket. Before leaving get their dope stash and smoke it or burn it on the kitchen range. Make sure the house is filled with pot smoke so when the cops finally arrive they won’t believe anything they hear but will destroy the house searching for drugs.


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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. I am with you entirely on #4. Spending like a drunken sailor will have consequences one day. Like creditors sooner or later will collect.

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